stuck

Honoring My Grief

Something changed March 31st.

I didn’t think much of it at first until it was April 5 and I was still ‘down’ (exhausted, weak, unable to think clearly or make a decision) I’ve had those symptoms happen before. I struggle with them periodically, but I felt like I was doing better.

And then I wasn’t.

And I haven’t been all month.

I’ve done the things I have to do. I take an extra dose of the meds I need to manage ‘stress’ (that’s what you do when you have Addison’s disease, because my body doesn’t do that anymore.) I muster up enough energy to speak or teach or coach or write-

and then I sleep. A lot.

Being the question-asker that I am, I have tried to determine why I am ‘down’ and why for so long. I attributed it to some new meds I’m taking, or the weather change or … I have a rather long list of things I could mention here.

But then my husband says,

Will I ever be HER?

I find myself sitting in the chair in my front room pondering what I see in my future. I want so much to feel confident; healthy, productive, grateful and graceful, beautiful. Helpful. Peaceful, HOPE full.

I want to being a strong, confident woman. I see a woman who has poise and gentleness, yet is bold and persevering.

Yet this week as I've laid on the sofa a lot, I have felt none of those.  I have felt weak, tired, messy. I've wondered if I could ever be that other woman. I've had moments of doubt, confusion and discouragement; times when I only felt desperate. How can I ever be a strong, confident woman when I keep floundering in moments of discouragement and sadness?

 But today I am taking time to ponder what I've heard this week from just listening, from forcing myself not to let my thoughts take me to despair or to deciding to quit - again for the umpteenth time, to feel like I wasn't good enough.

 Here's what I heard. …