stuck

In a Cabin called Hope

On Friday, August 16th, I spent the day in the DEEP WOODS. It is a spiritual retreat center located in the woods behind my church. In the fall of 2012, our friends and family helped us to build the 3rd cabin that is available for personal, spiritual retreats.

The cabin is called HOPE.

The reason I was there on August 16th was the 13th anniversary of my daughter, Leisha’s home-going.

EnVision YOU: UnStuck and Confident

What does it even look like to live and work confidently to make a difference in our world?  What does it feel like to step into our uniqueness, our beauty that forms the foundation for our confidence?

I imagine it feels something like a butterfly must feel as she spreads her wings for the first time and finds freedom to soar higher than ever before.

Can you put yourself in the wings of a butterfly? Imagine what that moment must be like?

What does it feel like to take bold next steps with that kind of confidence?

That thought came to me …

Honoring My Grief

Something changed March 31st.

I didn’t think much of it at first until it was April 5 and I was still ‘down’ (exhausted, weak, unable to think clearly or make a decision) I’ve had those symptoms happen before. I struggle with them periodically, but I felt like I was doing better.

And then I wasn’t.

And I haven’t been all month.

I’ve done the things I have to do. I take an extra dose of the meds I need to manage ‘stress’ (that’s what you do when you have Addison’s disease, because my body doesn’t do that anymore.) I muster up enough energy to speak or teach or coach or write-

and then I sleep. A lot.

Being the question-asker that I am, I have tried to determine why I am ‘down’ and why for so long. I attributed it to some new meds I’m taking, or the weather change or … I have a rather long list of things I could mention here.

But then my husband says,

Will I ever be HER?

I find myself sitting in the chair in my front room pondering what I see in my future. I want so much to feel confident; healthy, productive, grateful and graceful, beautiful. Helpful. Peaceful, HOPE full.

I want to being a strong, confident woman. I see a woman who has poise and gentleness, yet is bold and persevering.

Yet this week as I've laid on the sofa a lot, I have felt none of those.  I have felt weak, tired, messy. I've wondered if I could ever be that other woman. I've had moments of doubt, confusion and discouragement; times when I only felt desperate. How can I ever be a strong, confident woman when I keep floundering in moments of discouragement and sadness?

 But today I am taking time to ponder what I've heard this week from just listening, from forcing myself not to let my thoughts take me to despair or to deciding to quit - again for the umpteenth time, to feel like I wasn't good enough.

 Here's what I heard. …